April 21st-May 14th 2023

I’m sitting here trying to think of the right words to describe the last several weeks. The only thing that comes to mind is chaos, complete and utter fucking chaos. Every realm of my life seemed to be unbalanced, and it felt like drowning. Relationships fell apart, I lost my job, my housing was uncertain, and I felt myself slipping. Everything was falling apart in front of my eyes and nothing I could do would make it better.

This is when I realized I was in the midst of a mercury retrograde that would affect fixed signs such as myself (Taurus, Scorpio, Leo, Aquarius). You might cringe at that, but I see astrology as no different than any other faith or belief system. I actually believe in it a little more due to the sheer tangibility in the stars above our head. There’s something romantic about finding strength in the universe, cycles and karma to me. In any case, this retrograde knocked me on my ass and made me completely reevaluate my relationships, my past, my life here that I’ve started building in Alaska, everything.

A traumatic event happened last month, and through that experience I feel the universe gave me a crash course refresher in the lessons I continued to deny or run from. When I moved to Alaska, I had decided I was too damaged to be in the general population. I had literally moved to the most remote place I could, because I decided that was where I belonged. For months I sat in the woods and just pondered at the state of my life, and all the many ways society had no place for someone like me. I felt proud, like because so much physical distance was between me and all my problems, I was cured! Ignorance truly is bliss, but meandering through the muskeg was healing in a sense. As a Native American, I felt empowered to be in the origin of everything. I was in it, but my trauma was in me. I was just in a new place. Don’t get me wrong, my perspective shifted about a lot of my past and I found strength in my surroundings, but the lessons still hadn’t been learned.

Then I move to Juneau. I’m back in society, reintegrating, re-socializing myself. It was a difficult transition and rocky at first. Then when things finally get into a rhythm, I ask the universe “If this is where I’m supposed to be, if this is my path, if this is my partner, if these people in my life are my soul family: Give me a sign.” Then not a week later, BAM! This huge life event knocks everything over. Doors I had started to hopefully creep my way back into were slammed in my face during a time of need, friends let me down, family was found in strangers. It felt like everything I had ran from when I moved to Alaska had blown up in my face in such a material, concrete way in front of me I had no choice but to try and find a fucking lesson through all the darkness. What was the universe trying to tell me? I had no clue. I moved to Alaska for the quiet, slow life. I was raising chickens two months ago on a remote commune for god’s sake and yet here the crisis finds me again.

So naturally I went to a tarot reader. Again, any skepticism please hold because she read me to filth. Immediately after having me put my energy into the deck, the bottom card in bold letters reads: THE TOWER.

Imagine my shock as she continues to describe my life situation in detail only a true master of her craft could. A new card flies out of the deck, its lettering reads: 10 OF SWORDS. She looks at me and with a knowing breath says plainly “Your energy is all types of fucked up”. The tension breaks and tears fall down as I laugh and agree. Totally fucked up.

As we wrap up the session I ask a final question: “Where do I go from here?”

She sits for a moment before replacing her hands to the deck and beginning to shuffle. After a few moments that felt like eternity I blew out the breath I didn’t know I was holding as a singular card falls to the table. THE HERMIT.

She left me with the advice that taking the time to really fortify myself now, fill my cup in a sense, in 6 months my life will look completely different. I walked out of that reading with a new sense of hope about the future. I had never experienced something like that, and I finally understood the implicit faith those find in more traditional religions. Walking out of that meeting I felt so validated that this person who knew nothing about me before hand could see me and my pain so clearly.

Like any difficult event I’ve faced, I wouldn’t have been able to get through it had it not been for the strength of my close ones holding me up. The world can be so ugly and horrible, but in those moments I’ve found I can look around and still see so much beauty and love. I wanted to run away from this situation, but therein lies the lesson. Surrounded by literal mountains caging me in, their snowy faces unapologetic I remembered myself. Someone said to me once “If you find yourself dug deep down into the dirt where you can’t breathe, you can’t see the light, its usually because the universe has planted you. Bloom incoming.”

I want to scream and shout at the universe for doing this. What lesson is there? What sense is there in this senselessness? I’m angry and I want my pain to be heard. But that’s just it, there’s no one to blame. There’s no reason, there is no rhyme. The universe is random and when we recognize it continually gives us chances to grow spiritually and to heal, that’s when we sit back and laugh. That’s the cosmic joke isn’t it?

I’ll leave with one final article if anyone was interested in learning more about this ‘cosmic joke’. I’m looking forward to having a very ‘hermity’ summer.

! https://www.stoicmaze.com/home/2018/8/24/what-is-the-cosmic-joke